Sometimes it’s hard to live with my brain. I know things are better, and I know the worst is over, but sometimes those feelings creep back. Those moments I wish I could forget steal me away from the wonderful life I am finally building. And sometimes, I feel like I am back at square one, like nothing has changed and I’m the helpless little girl She tried to make me be.
But then I see those photograph moments. Their first day at their new school was today and they LOVED it. S said she has more friends now than at both of her old schools combined. E’s second grade class picture and I could easily pick her out of the small crowd, that iconic peace sign vogue pose that she does. I’m certain she’s making the kissy face under her mask. Her signature picture pose.
Every time I talk to them my heart fills, because I see those beautiful faces that once, not too long ago, looked way too broken for a child. Now, their cracks are being mended with gold, they are healing and they are living. My heart swells because I am so grateful I was able to help give them what I so desperately wanted when I was their age. To be free to just be a kid. To not have to worry about what’s gonna happen next, will I get in trouble for this thing? the eggshell walking, the tightrope circus dance of coping mechanisms. They are free of the fear of going home, because the place they call home is full to the bursting with love for these girls. These beautiful souls. Their smiling, laughing, the REALNESS of their joy.
Everything I have dealt with and lived through, I would do it all again a thousand times to give these girls these moments. That vogue pose second grade photo. These wonderful new friends and the goals they have for themselves to be better. To be themselves. To be really and truly happy. It’s all I ever wanted.
Eat Me 